A Mural In Heaven

Would you treat someone else the way you treat yourself?

I read a quote tonight that said something to the affect of... we could search for the rest of our lives, looking for someone more worthy of our love than we already are ourselves, and we would never find it; simply because no one else is more worthy of your love other than...well, you.

At first read, I didn't really wrap my head around the meaning of it. Sometimes, I think we as humans over look the quotes that sound the simplest, because we're so tired of mediocrity, that we're striving for something that gives us a headache due to having to pull out the dictionary 27 times before we will even consider a quote to wisdom filled...Or maybe I'm the only one who does that? Regardless...It took a second to comprehend and apply the meaning of it to how I treat my self on a regular basis.

After I swallowed the thought, as though a pill and really tried to let it dissolve in not only my head but in my heart, as well...It dawned on me that I treat myself awful, and I do it as though I have every right to do so.

I know a lot of people think I am confident because of how I carry myself, and things of that nature, but I am not confident at all. I'm confident in my writing, sometimes. But even then, if someone doesn’t brag on it, I second guess it. And i've noticed before every poem I post I'll type a big explanation above the actual poem, as to why I used the rhyming pattern that I did, or why I chose that certain topic...I think I convinced myself into thinking that the reason I do that was to feel more understood and make sure the reader and I were on the same page, but now I'm beginning to wonder....if I were truly a confident artist, I would feel comfortable enough to just present my work as it is, and let it be interpreted however one wanted to interpret it...Maybe I only post an explanation because I feel as though I owe it to the people that have a tendency to not like what I write. And If that really is the case, how hypocritical could one get?! Lol... Because I have always been a believer that nobody should feel the need to explain themselves to the negative people that are against them; Only the supportive people deserve explanation; and usually the most supportive wont require one at all, they'll just be happy to support...It's really shocking me that I've been going against things i have been preaching to other people, without even realizing it.

As far as "who I am as a person goes" ? I am pretty confident with that because I know I'm nice and I would do just about anything for anyone... but for whatever reason , I have always looked at that as though it were so small compared to what I should be...

I sit all the time and wonder about what people think of me, and I always assume the worst. There for a while, I used to think the opposite, but after going through the hardest experience of my life, and finding out that none of the people I considered 'friends' was really there for me, it made me feel dumb for ever believing anyone could ever like me at all; It made me wonder if everyone just pretended to like me to my face , all to go behind my back and make fun of how “different” I am.

I keep trying to let that go, because I know how you see yourself, has a lot to do with how people perceive you, but it seems to have a hold on me that I haven’t figured out how to shake just yet..

I sit and look in the mirror all the time and try to not hate what i see, but it's almost impossible for me not to stop at a mirror, all to inspect myself to see what could be better. I mean, i even downloaded a "Free Virtual Plastic Surgery" program to see what i would look like with a smaller nose. I made a joke about it, but in my heart of hearts, i didn't want it to make funny images, I wanted to get an idea of what i would look like if i were to surgically make changes. And as I type this i realize how sad it is, and I'm almost too embarrassed to share it but, if one person out there can relate and not feel alone...then, it's worth the embarrassment.

I am deeply sensitive. Sometimes I feel like all I want is love but I never allow myself to even get close to anyone to be so much as a best friend, let alone anything romantic wise. I am scared of closeness. I don't know how to trust anyone. Even if I had an angel descend from the sky, telling me that I could trust a person, I would then begin to wonder if I could trust that angel.

I hide from people.

If you want to talk to me on the phone? I will talk your ear off about the most interesting things I can pull up out of my heart; It will go the same way if you want to talk to me on the computer. I will even be as open as possible about my life, my feelings and what I’ve been through up until this point in life. But when you want to start hanging out, and doing stuff.....it's like I slam on the breaks and I don’t know how to go there.

I'm so embarrassed to admit that, but it's the truth. It's not that one thing against the people that want to hang out, it's just, I have a fear that this person is gonna start getting clingy, and then I'll have to hide from them entirely because, I cannot, in any way, shape or form, stand someone who is clingy.

And to me clingy is randomly showing up all the time at my house.( I hate unexpected visitors) Making me feel bad when you I want to go places with them......calling all the time, wanting me to just jump and go somewhere, without any time to get ready...lol.

My Ideal situation is someone that calls a day before they want to come over...so I can have time to clean, and expect them to come. If they want to go somewhere, I need at least a day to sit and just think about what's gonna happen. Don't get me wrong, I like spontaneity , I just prefer... planned spontaneity. Lol. I am just a person that needs a little time to think about something, before I do it. I feel like if I dont get time to think about it, then I'm not prepared...

And, yes, I totally see how psycho I sound; So instead of expecting anyone to get me, and deal with all my weirdness, I just don't go there at all.....because I doubt that anyone could ever 'get it',or atleast deal with it without acting like it was a big deal, and like I needed to go to a mental institution...

I mean I'm not denying the fact  it'd be awesome to have someone/a few people that over looked it and could just compromise to my needs, lol. But I feel like it would be selfish of me to expect that of anyone, so I just ignore it all together, if that makes any sense at all.

I guess my main point of all of this was...

I need to learn how to love myself. Because...maybe I don't allow anyone to be a real friend to me because, I don't think I deserve one. Maybe I don't allow myself to step out and take chances, because I believe I will disappoint everyone anyways. And maybe I always worry about what my family thinks more than what I think, because I value their thoughts more than my own...

I never realized how down I am on myself. I would never treat anyone the way that I treat myself. And now that I’ve realized that, maybe it will begin to change.

Hopefully this blog will make atleast one person think about how they treat themselves/talk about themselves, and inspire them to do better...

PS. I realize this blog shows me in an unflattering light, but I feel as though it's time to stop uncovering the "Safe" flaws that everyone else talks about. I want to start being braver and uncovering the things that makes everyone uncomfortable, even myself. Because that's where people need the most help; with the places no one is brave enough to touch on.

- kayla kabree

A poem by kayla kabree

Please share with me your thoughts on a poem I wrote yesterday. I know that the stances have no particular pattern like most poems do, but I didn't intend for them to. I wanted to be limitless and at this moment, I'm quite proud of what came about. :)

I'm in this fight with you.

You're right, I am cautious of going back to who I once was. Therefore, if I even think there's a chance of you turning me back into a self doubting, insecure, misfit... you can guarantee that you will no longer be in my life;

     You see, I realize I was put here to keep moving forward, and to become better; not  to walk around the same mountain multiple times. I have already been there & THROUGH that miserable place, known as 'low self estem' and although it taught me alot,I don't ever  plan on  going back. I have discovered too much of myself, and have found what I believe to be unusually high leves of insight, to let anyone tear that down and ruin my chances of reaching my best potential. - kayla kabree

If you're reading this, please listen to me when I say : never be afraid to Be YOU. If anyone trys to make you second guess yourself constantly and/or makes fun of the things you say.. please do yourself a favor and kick them out of your life. I don't care how close you are, I dont care how much it will hurt you;  It's just something you've gotta grit your teeth and DO, simply because...each time you with hold whoever it is you really are, a part of you dies. And i know that may sound rather 'dramatic' but I really have found it to be true.

Look at it this way : God has placed a unique color inside of you; you are the only person in this world that will ever carry that color. You were made to spread that color all over the world.
Whether it be splashed upon the words you say, the music you sing, the art you create, or even the stories you write.
It can be sewn into your tecnique of teaching, or perhaps it meirely shines out of the light in your eyes; 
The point is, your 'color' can only taint the things you do or say that come from an authentic place in your heart. Therefore if you are being fake, your color is as good as dead because the person it was given to refuses to give it life, sort of speak.

   I'll be honest... to some your color will be prefered above all colors, and to others, it will be something to point at and laugh. But do not live your life in fear of those that are going to hate; Live your life for those that you can touch, inspire and even help along the way; that is what life is all about. To me it is, atleast.

P.s.

Just so you know... I really do know how hard it is to stay true to ones self when you're surrounded by a world of sell outs. Believe me, I get reminded everyday just about it.

So i sympathize with you if you're going through a tough time right now. I would reccomend making a promise to yourself like i did a while ago... I promised that no matter who doesnt like me, and no matter how bad it hurts, I'm going to move on, and stay true to who I am...Because if you think about it; if you arent true to yourself, what else can you ever be true to?

       

 So keep that head up. The right people will come at the right time.

With all my love, Kayla Kabree

To whom it may concern,

I have always considered my self a pretty brave person. Well, relatively brave, at least. But one thing I've never had enough courage to do was tell someone I've known since child hood, how I really feel...Even till this day, I'm unable to do it directly. So here's me doing it indirectly. Because, as you all know, I am the queen of indirective-ness.

One of my very first memories of you dates all the way back to our 1^st grade year of Elementary school; We were having an Easter party and all the parents had brought their child an Easter basket filled with candy of all sorts, and random odds and ends to rummage through like a modern day treasure chest.

However, your basket stood out amongst all of our little rinky-dink baskets because your Mom had attached maybe seven huge balloons shaped like various cartoon characters; such as Tommy from Rugrats, to the handle of your basket.

I can still remember how your Mom, with her humble spirit in toe,along with her strawberry blonde hair, was almost embarrassed at her extravagant choice. She was explaining to my Mom how she just loved you so much that she tended to go over board in hopes of making you feel special. I even remember making up my mind that day that if I was ever a Mommy, that that was how I was going to be.

Another memory I have of you is yet again, in grade school. Except this time, it dates back to the 3^rd grade.

I remember my great grandmother had just passed away and I had been so busy going to the wake services. I was very unprepared for school and didn't even have a pencil. You were getting ready to leave for SFA along with the rest of our class, and I had been begging people to give me a pencil, but everyone just kept walking by like they didn't hear me. You were getting ready to do just that, but I remember a sense of pity washed over you and you then stopped, opened up your plastic, navy blue clip board and handed me a wooded pencil that had never been sharpened. I remember saying “Thanks.” really relieved. You said “You're welcome. I didn't want you to get in trouble.” You flashed that smile of yours, and then headed about your business.

Thinking back, it's really amazing how clueless we were about life and what it had in store for us. I never once looked at you and thought:

• This will be one of the people I sit with in almost every class during high school.
• This will be the one I have lunch with almost every day.
• This will be the one I confide in and share all my secrets with.
• This will be the one I develop an unyielding love for.
• This will be one of the few I would protect and defend from anyone or anything.
• This will be the one that will taint my prayers, as well as linger in the back of my mind for the rest of my life.

Before I dig in, I have to make it clear. I don't want a relationship because relationships scare me; I'm too scared to enter into something I'm not sure I want in the first place, especially with someone I care about as much as I do you. Simply because I don't ever, and I mean EVER want to hurt or mislead you.

I guess one of the main reasons I'm writing this is,I just real- 
Okay, I'ma cut the bullcrap. I just really, freakin' love you.

I didn't realize how much I cared until the other night in that stupid religion debate, you told me to stop typing so much and to chill out. That's not necessarily mean, per se`. But the second I read it I started to cry. I didn't know why? I didn't know where these tears were coming from? But they we're coming and I couldn't stop them. After a lot of thought I realized I was crying because, you're the one person I've always felt safe to confide in. No matter how dramatic or radical I may be about certain things, I felt like I was free to be that way with you. You're the one person I always thought I could type/talk as much as I wanted to and it would be welcomed with open arms and even, dare I say, appreciated? And so, to think of you feeling anything other than that, made me sad and made me feel, belittled and non-special to you, as corny as that may sound.

I need you to know that I'm truly sorry for being pushy if I've ever been. It's never been out of a place of needing to feel right though, I swear. It was just out of a concern for you.  

I should just stop and realize you're going to believe what you believe and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Just like there's nothing anyone could do to stop me, I should respect you and just stop force feeding you my belief; It's wrong, and I truly apologize. I should just ignore you when you go on rants like that but it's hard for me to when I care way more than I should.

I also know when I'm nice during our debates it just makes you be even more colder towards me because of your unwillingness to give in and to show that what I do or say has any affect upon you. Or...well, maybe that's what I'm hoping it is? Maybe you really do feel cold towards me now, I don't know? Either way though, that's what I choose to believe because it hurts too bad to think other wise.

Want to know something lame? I almost called you tonight and poured out my heart. Until I found your public declaration of loving someone else, I figured I'd keep my mouth shut and just write this even lamer blog for everyone in the free world to read and make fun of...

    You out of all people know that I know myself through and through, but one thing I don't understand is these feelings I have for you. Like for instance, I get pretty jealous when other girls are in the picture. I don't hate them, or wish bad on them, I just always feel like nobody you choose fits what you deserve or even WANT, for that matter.

As I've mentioned many times before, I'm too scared to enter into a relationship with anyone let alone someone that scares me as much as you do, but I find myself realizing that you're probably the only person I could hand over my heart to and be totally okay with us going onto separate paths in life; with no commit in a relationship, but with only a commit to keep each other in a special place in our hearts. To put it more simpler, I want to be special to you. =/ And typing that very sentence felt like pulling teeth but I felt as though I needed to.

I think you are undoubtedly the most mesmerizing person I have ever encountered in my life. I'll be the first to admit that maybe I DO have a altered perception of you, but if it is altered or misconceived in any way, I don't want it to ever be corrected because it feels so good to so much as think of you, let alone have a conversation with you.

We are so different yet so alike and I have no idea what the two of us are doing in this town, lol.(Not that we're better than anyone, we're just so out of place it's not even funny.)

I have no idea what life has in store for me, so I definitely don't know what it holds for you, but I swear to God I wish you nothing but all the happiness the world has to offer. I want you to have a love story that you've always wanted, and eventually make pretty red-haired babies and I want you to just continue to grow and turn into the absolutely marvelous, genius, man you were destined to be.

You mean the absolute world to me and I have no idea why. You are a blessing to know and I'm so proud of what you're going to do with your life. No matter what you believe, no matter how many stupid disagreements we've ever had, please know that I do really love you; so much that just typing this brings tears to my eyes.

All I ask is just please always remember me. Please always think good things of me. Even when you're married and have a family of your own, please keep a little tiny box buried somewhere in your heart, that holds an assortment of all of our memories, conversations, and various secrets. Maybe that's a lot to ask, but I'm asking it anyways because I know that no matter where I go in this great big world, no matter who I affect, fall in love with or what I end up experiencing, there's always going to be the 9^th grade version of me somewhere inside my mind, anxiously waiting to go to school the next day so I can tell you what happened, how it made me feel and what I learned from it.

Stay Golden :)

-Kayla Kabree

Is pretending to be confident being fake or is it Surviving?

This question came to me a few weeks ago during a discussion I was having with my Mom. I was talking to her about how I didn't understand how people were okay with being fake. And what I mean by being fake is, ignoring what you like, or pushing down your thoughts to replace them with what you think everyone considers the 'norm'.

I remember I was saying something to the affect of “I would feel so paranoid if I was one person out in public but a whole other person behind closed doors; I would constantly be afraid of someone finding out who I really was; I really believe it's better to be flat out who you are because you feel so much more free-.”

I was suddenly stopped mid sentence by a revelation. It was like a part of my sub conscious spoke up and said “Well, You pretend to be confident?” In what sounded like my voice but in a snobby, 13 year-old, know-it-all version, rather.

As much as I would like to sit here and share with you some philosophical tirade my brain went on...I've got nothin'. Well, in all honesty, I'm sure I could cook something all toasty and intellecual-y up, but in honor of today's theme, I'm gonna keep it “Real” and share with you my exact train of thought:

“Hmm, I do? Hmm. Yeah, I do. Wow.... Am I, (the avid Pro-Real Lady), *ahem*...fake?”

It was a little too much for me to swallow. But I did. With a solid gulp. Then I headed off to my room, in a daze, to really think this thought through. (And I assure you my mom wasn't offended in the least, if anything, she's used to me trailing off as you can only imagine, lol.)

What's odd is, my conclusion isn't as sturdy as I would like a conclusion to be; actually my conclusion isn't a conclusion at all. All I could come up with is a question. “Is pretending to be confident being fake or, is it merely surviving?”

The reasoning behind that question is, when I was in the 7^th grade. I had pretty much no identity what so ever. I had never not once stopped and asked myself “What do you like?” “How do you want to act in this situation?” “How do you want to be perceived?” I just looked at the girls that everyone considered popular and thought that was the only way to be. Hence, why I was picked on so much; I was meant to be anything BUT the way those girls were. Therefore me pretending to be such just came off awkward and nerdy, lol. It wasn't until about two years later, I found my love for gathering my own opinions. Shortly after, I discovered my love for sharing my opinions. And then, most importantly, I discovered my “not give a damn” factor.

(Now this is a tricky part to explain, so bare with me.) To me, “The Not give a Damn Factor ” doesn't mean you don't want people to like you, nor does it mean you don't want people to agree with you or accept you; we're all human and everyone naturally wants that. But what it DOES mean is, looking past that want and saying to yourself “Yes, I want people to like me. I want them all to like what I say/what I think and I even want them to want to be my friend. BUT, I'm going to speak my mind regardless if they agree with it or not, and if they reject it and/or me, It won't feel the least bit good but quite frankly, I do not give a damn.” Get the picture? To put it quite simpler, it's wanting to be accepted but not altering yourself to be accepted.

And so I remember in the early stages of me growing into my own, I would be putting out this strong, confident aura with the mantra running in my head “They may not like me, and it's going to hurt like crazy if they let me know it, but regardless, I'm here to be true; Shoulders back, head up, assurance in each word, and confidence in every single step, no matter if on the inside I'm a quaking bowl of Jell-o. Its what you have to do in order to be brave enough to be the real you out.” (Yes I know, rather long for a 'mantra' but, it's me we're talking about. Does 'short' even exist in my vocabulary?) So now, at this point in my life, I don't really even have to talk myself into that mind set, it has sort of just become a natural process: If I get nervous or self conscious, I push it to the side, and reassure myself without a second thought. I have made up my mind that that's WHAT I have to do in order to be who I really am.

So to be honest with you, I'm starting to really leaning towards the conclusion that pretending to be confident, when you are nervous of being rejected or anything like that, is more so surviving than it is being fake. I mean how affective would I be if I slouched down and allowed my hands to shake convulsively and spoke with a defeated tone of voice? I wouldn't be. So that leads me to think that being fake isn't so much as altering your tone of voice, your posture or even channeling confidence while you are doing something as simple as sitting amongst a lot of friends talking. I especially don't think its fake If you're forcing yourself to be confident, so you can have enough strength to BE your real self. As much as a contradiction that may sound like, I think it some how oddly makes sense.

The rap up:

At first, I had started this particular blog to ask people what their answer would be to this question to help me make up my own mind. But after typing this out and thinking it through yet again, I've realized that nobody really is just purely confident. I think everyone has fears and anxieties whether they admit it or not. Even the person that appears to be the absolute most confident. I'm just now realizing that its only the successful people that don't let their fear stop them from making a move. I don't even think they're ignoring the fact that they're scared, they're just not letting that be a factor in their actions.

My prayer for everyone that reads this blog is that you are brave enough to be yourself. I actually think that's becoming a repeating theme on this blogspot, Lol. But that's just because it's something I know with out a doubt, is so liberating. When you fake who you are, all you can be at the very best is a shooting star. You may shine for a minute, but it will fade. But when you muster up enough confidence to be your true authentic self, at best you're shine will live forever and be legendary. And at the very worst, you will change a lot of peoples lives for the better. Which sounds like a pretty good flip side, if you ask me. :)

PS. Thank you all so much for reading my blogs. I would love for you to comment any blog that you read, even if it's just to let me know you've read it. I've fixed the settings so that even people that aren't members can comment. I really want to hear what you think, whether its good or bad.

From the bottom of my heart,

Kayla Kabree

Realizing My Denial.

twitter.com/kaylakabree

　
           
         I obviously can't speak for everyone else in this world. But as far as me, myself and I go, we have some confessing to do.
I have always been the type that preached "Girl power" relentlessly to just about every female that has came to me for advice; Which is about half of my county’s population if you want to know the exaggerated truth.
I can still hear my self rambling on frantically: "Don't depend on no man to give you what you want! So what if you're lonely?? BE lonely. Spend some time with yourself! If you aren’t able to enjoy spending time with yourself, how is anyone else going to like it?"
Even now as I type those words, I feel my heart attempting to sneak past my subconscious and slide up a guard; Hoping that I wont see what it has done; Hoping that I will continue to go about my little day, still believing that I'm okay with being lonely; Hoping that if I preach to other people about ignoring their hurt, their fear, and their need for love and comfort, that eventually I'll be able to run my own needs and fears off as well.
But please, don't get me twisted. I'm not saying that what I told those girls is wrong; I still firmly believe that you shouldn't depend on anyone to give you what you want. Nor should you ever let loneliness give you an excuse to retrieve and keep from living life to the best of your ability.
However, what one of my many points is...I was in denial way past my head. Pure, steamy, thick denial. It almost reminds me of this self proclaimed atheist that I know and am good friends with. He's constantly going on about how God's not real. He's always trying super hard to convince everyone around him of that as well.
Finally one day I asked him "If you so strongly believe that God is not real, why do you even bother lecturing everyone about it for? " He asked me to explain and I said, "I look at it like this. If there was a fake plant in the room, I wouldn't give it the time of day. I wouldn't sit here and go on & on about how that plant was FAKE any if whoever so much as considered it 'pretty', was an idiot. I would just merely ignore it. It's fake; if other people want to admire it, let them. Why should I have to try so hard to convince them that it's fake? What kind of reward would I get for persuading them such?"
My point is, when he was trying to convince other people of his belief, it felt to me as though he was trying more so to convince himself than he was them. It was like if anyone had a hint of interest in what he was saying, or if anyone seemed like they 'bit the bait', in the littlest way, it gave him more confidence that what he was saying was true.
That's how I was concerning the whole relationship deal. I would constantly try to persuade my friends that they were okay with being lonely. I would recommend that they should just go on about life, focus on their school, their careers, and futures, and if somebody worthy came along...they should "try to work them in their schedule". And while there's nothing wrong with that mind set, there is something wrong with my underlying message and the attitude that I had; I wanted them to hide what they were really feeling. Because that's what I was doing; It was how I was raised. "You ignore how you feel, you go after logic and you do what's right."( And again, there's nothing wrong with that mindset, either. But only when it's applied correctly. However, when applied radically, It's very wrong.) Any time one of my girlfriends so much as perked up as though they believed what I was saying, or was at least going to TRY to apply it to their life, I felt a bit of "Aha! So you agree? Well then, I must be right." Just like my "atheist" friend would do, and still does.

It actually wasn't until here recently that I realized my denial disorder. Believe it or not, it took me being rejected by my dog to realize I was lying to myself and to others about this whole "Independent Woman" front I was so convincingly putting up.
I was laying in the bed at 3:00 am, crying my eyes out in the pitch dark. I wasn’t for sure what it was I was crying over, but I was well aware of the gaping hole in the middle of my chest, and the emptiness off it was so obvious it ached.
I heard my dogs little foot steps trotting through the house, and coming towards my bedroom. It was like my heart perked up a tiny bit, with hope that she would jump up on my bed and wallow with me in my pool of self pitty. "Chloe, come here!" I called her with a nazel ' I've-been-crying-too-hard" type of voice. I heard her walk to my door way and then stop. "Come here!" I encouraged her. "God please come here, I really need to hold something,I really need to give something some kind of attention." I desperately thought to myself. But, to my surprise I then heard her turn around, and trot back through the house; her toenails clicking on the hardwood floor with every step.
For whatever reason, this sent me into an even bigger emotional outburst. I rolled over and pushed my face into my pillow and sobbed. "I just want someone to talk to...i just want someone to hold me. Not even my dog wants me." I couldn’t believe my ears. Was this the most lame I had ever been in my life? I wasn’t for sure. But regardless if it was lame, or nerdy or whatever I wanted to label it, it was honestly how I really felt. No guards, no fronts. Just the beautiful, raw truth looking me dead in the face with its peircingly scary eyes.
When I realized that very fact, I all of the sudden had flash backs of me trying to pretend I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin to my girlfriends who were looking to me for advice. I remember how they were pouring out their hearts about wanting somebody and how they didn’t feel complete unless they were in a relationship. I also recalled how I looked at them like they were pathetic. I would automatically put up my detached "I need absolutely no one" face and then would try desperately to rub that attitude off on them "for their own good and safety." I would tell myself.
I would walk way from that chat thinking " WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE GIRLS? How can anyone be so vulnerable? How can anyone admit that they actually don’t feel like a complete individual unless their in a relationship? Isn't just by admitting that, degrading?"
I laid there in my bed contemplating on this as hard as anyone could ever contemplate. I was eventually humbled by the realization that I was more lonely that all of those girls combined. I felt the exact same way that they did. But because I was taught to believe that they way they were talking was degrading, I had pushed it down so far in the depths of my being that its voice was nothing but a faint whisper. I had full heartedly convinced myself that these girls were dragging the reputation of "Women" in general through the mud. And I would go to any extreme to show them that; hoping to see the light go off in their eyes; giving me even more the reason to believe that I was indeed, correct.
Till this very moment, I still don’t exactly know why the thought of admitting "I want love" ashamed me. I guess because deep down, I was scared that if I put myself out there and let everyone see my desire for it, and yet still managed to get shot down.. then I would the be viewed as the poor desperate doormat that has no one to so much as give her a chance. Therefore, I went on the other end of the radical and just pretended that I was fine being alone and if someone was "blessed" enough to get my attention and work for my heart, then they might get a chance. "If they're lucky."
When in reality, that's not how i am at all. That's just how I preferred to to be viewed over a needy little puppy dog that fell for "Aye baby, whats yo sign?"I wanted to be viewed as secure...Strong... Independent and in control.
For whatever reason I only thought you could be on one end of the spectrum or the other. I'm just now realizing that balance is one of the major keys to life.
Okay,so nowww. Let's have a quick reveiw, shall we?
-Those who 'root' abnormally hard for "Team single" are usually in need of love more than anyone else.
-Just because you admit you would like to have love in your life doesn't mean you're a needy doormat.
-And Just because you can pretend to be strong in front of people, doesn't mean you actually are.
-It's best to let the truth be free. Even if its hard to speak, do what I'm doing and type it.
-Don't be trapped by denial. Don't be boxed in by what you THINK you have to be.
-Don't be radically RULED by your emotions but also don't be so up tight you can't even spell the word fun. I hope this inspires self discovery in everyone that reads this. Remember to never run from the truth; When you find peices of your truth along the way, grab it, examine it, and learn all you can from it because at the end of the day, your truth is all you'll be left with.
Someone can strip away your clothes, your material belongings, and everything else that you've put some sort of faith in along the way, and all you'll be standing there with is your truth.
 Therefore, not only should you constantly be searching for it in some way or another, but you should welcome it instead of crindging while looking for it.Yes, even if its not the prettiest of truth's...
Because, In my oppinion, you should be more scared of hiding from the unpleasant things about you than you should fear facing them. Atleast with facing them, you're one step closer to perfecting it. As opposed to hiding from it, you're just allowing the root of it to grow bigger and stronger by the moment.


From the Bottom of my heart,
Kayla Kabree