This question came to me a few weeks ago during a discussion I was having with my Mom. I was talking to her about how I didn't understand how people were okay with being fake. And what I mean by being fake is, ignoring what you like, or pushing down your thoughts to replace them with what you think everyone considers the 'norm'.
I remember I was saying something to the affect of “I would feel so paranoid if I was one person out in public but a whole other person behind closed doors; I would constantly be afraid of someone finding out who I really was; I really believe it's better to be flat out who you are because you feel so much more free-.”
I was suddenly stopped mid sentence by a revelation. It was like a part of my sub conscious spoke up and said “Well, You pretend to be confident?” In what sounded like my voice but in a snobby, 13 year-old, know-it-all version, rather.
As much as I would like to sit here and share with you some philosophical tirade my brain went on...I've got nothin'. Well, in all honesty, I'm sure I could cook something all toasty and intellecual-y up, but in honor of today's theme, I'm gonna keep it “Real” and share with you my exact train of thought:
“Hmm, I do? Hmm. Yeah, I do. Wow.... Am I, (the avid Pro-Real Lady), *ahem*...fake?”
It was a little too much for me to swallow. But I did. With a solid gulp. Then I headed off to my room, in a daze, to really think this thought through. (And I assure you my mom wasn't offended in the least, if anything, she's used to me trailing off as you can only imagine, lol.)
What's odd is, my conclusion isn't as sturdy as I would like a conclusion to be; actually my conclusion isn't a conclusion at all. All I could come up with is a question. “Is pretending to be confident being fake or, is it merely surviving?”
The reasoning behind that question is, when I was in the 7th grade. I had pretty much no identity what so ever. I had never not once stopped and asked myself “What do you like?” “How do you want to act in this situation?” “How do you want to be perceived?” I just looked at the girls that everyone considered popular and thought that was the only way to be. Hence, why I was picked on so much; I was meant to be anything BUT the way those girls were. Therefore me pretending to be such just came off awkward and nerdy, lol. It wasn't until about two years later, I found my love for gathering my own opinions. Shortly after, I discovered my love for sharing my opinions. And then, most importantly, I discovered my “not give a damn” factor.
(Now this is a tricky part to explain, so bare with me.) To me, “The Not give a Damn Factor ” doesn't mean you don't want people to like you, nor does it mean you don't want people to agree with you or accept you; we're all human and everyone naturally wants that. But what it DOES mean is, looking past that want and saying to yourself “Yes, I want people to like me. I want them all to like what I say/what I think and I even want them to want to be my friend. BUT, I'm going to speak my mind regardless if they agree with it or not, and if they reject it and/or me, It won't feel the least bit good but quite frankly, I do not give a damn.” Get the picture? To put it quite simpler, it's wanting to be accepted but not altering yourself to be accepted.
And so I remember in the early stages of me growing into my own, I would be putting out this strong, confident aura with the mantra running in my head “They may not like me, and it's going to hurt like crazy if they let me know it, but regardless, I'm here to be true; Shoulders back, head up, assurance in each word, and confidence in every single step, no matter if on the inside I'm a quaking bowl of Jell-o. Its what you have to do in order to be brave enough to be the real you out.” (Yes I know, rather long for a 'mantra' but, it's me we're talking about. Does 'short' even exist in my vocabulary?) So now, at this point in my life, I don't really even have to talk myself into that mind set, it has sort of just become a natural process: If I get nervous or self conscious, I push it to the side, and reassure myself without a second thought. I have made up my mind that that's WHAT I have to do in order to be who I really am.
So to be honest with you, I'm starting to really leaning towards the conclusion that pretending to be confident, when you are nervous of being rejected or anything like that, is more so surviving than it is being fake. I mean how affective would I be if I slouched down and allowed my hands to shake convulsively and spoke with a defeated tone of voice? I wouldn't be. So that leads me to think that being fake isn't so much as altering your tone of voice, your posture or even channeling confidence while you are doing something as simple as sitting amongst a lot of friends talking. I especially don't think its fake If you're forcing yourself to be confident, so you can have enough strength to BE your real self. As much as a contradiction that may sound like, I think it some how oddly makes sense.
The rap up:
At first, I had started this particular blog to ask people what their answer would be to this question to help me make up my own mind. But after typing this out and thinking it through yet again, I've realized that nobody really is just purely confident. I think everyone has fears and anxieties whether they admit it or not. Even the person that appears to be the absolute most confident. I'm just now realizing that its only the successful people that don't let their fear stop them from making a move. I don't even think they're ignoring the fact that they're scared, they're just not letting that be a factor in their actions.
My prayer for everyone that reads this blog is that you are brave enough to be yourself. I actually think that's becoming a repeating theme on this blogspot, Lol. But that's just because it's something I know with out a doubt, is so liberating. When you fake who you are, all you can be at the very best is a shooting star. You may shine for a minute, but it will fade. But when you muster up enough confidence to be your true authentic self, at best you're shine will live forever and be legendary. And at the very worst, you will change a lot of peoples lives for the better. Which sounds like a pretty good flip side, if you ask me. :)
PS. Thank you all so much for reading my blogs. I would love for you to comment any blog that you read, even if it's just to let me know you've read it. I've fixed the settings so that even people that aren't members can comment. I really want to hear what you think, whether its good or bad.
From the bottom of my heart,
Kayla Kabree
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