Would you treat someone else the way you treat yourself?

I read a quote tonight that said something to the affect of... we could search for the rest of our lives, looking for someone more worthy of our love than we already are ourselves, and we would never find it; simply because no one else is more worthy of your love other than...well, you.

At first read, I didn't really wrap my head around the meaning of it. Sometimes, I think we as humans over look the quotes that sound the simplest, because we're so tired of mediocrity, that we're striving for something that gives us a headache due to having to pull out the dictionary 27 times before we will even consider a quote to wisdom filled...Or maybe I'm the only one who does that? Regardless...It took a second to comprehend and apply the meaning of it to how I treat my self on a regular basis.

After I swallowed the thought, as though a pill and really tried to let it dissolve in not only my head but in my heart, as well...It dawned on me that I treat myself awful, and I do it as though I have every right to do so.

I know a lot of people think I am confident because of how I carry myself, and things of that nature, but I am not confident at all. I'm confident in my writing, sometimes. But even then, if someone doesn’t brag on it, I second guess it. And i've noticed before every poem I post I'll type a big explanation above the actual poem, as to why I used the rhyming pattern that I did, or why I chose that certain topic...I think I convinced myself into thinking that the reason I do that was to feel more understood and make sure the reader and I were on the same page, but now I'm beginning to wonder....if I were truly a confident artist, I would feel comfortable enough to just present my work as it is, and let it be interpreted however one wanted to interpret it...Maybe I only post an explanation because I feel as though I owe it to the people that have a tendency to not like what I write. And If that really is the case, how hypocritical could one get?! Lol... Because I have always been a believer that nobody should feel the need to explain themselves to the negative people that are against them; Only the supportive people deserve explanation; and usually the most supportive wont require one at all, they'll just be happy to support...It's really shocking me that I've been going against things i have been preaching to other people, without even realizing it.

As far as "who I am as a person goes" ? I am pretty confident with that because I know I'm nice and I would do just about anything for anyone... but for whatever reason , I have always looked at that as though it were so small compared to what I should be...

I sit all the time and wonder about what people think of me, and I always assume the worst. There for a while, I used to think the opposite, but after going through the hardest experience of my life, and finding out that none of the people I considered 'friends' was really there for me, it made me feel dumb for ever believing anyone could ever like me at all; It made me wonder if everyone just pretended to like me to my face , all to go behind my back and make fun of how “different” I am.

I keep trying to let that go, because I know how you see yourself, has a lot to do with how people perceive you, but it seems to have a hold on me that I haven’t figured out how to shake just yet..

I sit and look in the mirror all the time and try to not hate what i see, but it's almost impossible for me not to stop at a mirror, all to inspect myself to see what could be better. I mean, i even downloaded a "Free Virtual Plastic Surgery" program to see what i would look like with a smaller nose. I made a joke about it, but in my heart of hearts, i didn't want it to make funny images, I wanted to get an idea of what i would look like if i were to surgically make changes. And as I type this i realize how sad it is, and I'm almost too embarrassed to share it but, if one person out there can relate and not feel alone...then, it's worth the embarrassment.

I am deeply sensitive. Sometimes I feel like all I want is love but I never allow myself to even get close to anyone to be so much as a best friend, let alone anything romantic wise. I am scared of closeness. I don't know how to trust anyone. Even if I had an angel descend from the sky, telling me that I could trust a person, I would then begin to wonder if I could trust that angel.

I hide from people.

If you want to talk to me on the phone? I will talk your ear off about the most interesting things I can pull up out of my heart; It will go the same way if you want to talk to me on the computer. I will even be as open as possible about my life, my feelings and what I’ve been through up until this point in life. But when you want to start hanging out, and doing stuff.....it's like I slam on the breaks and I don’t know how to go there.

I'm so embarrassed to admit that, but it's the truth. It's not that one thing against the people that want to hang out, it's just, I have a fear that this person is gonna start getting clingy, and then I'll have to hide from them entirely because, I cannot, in any way, shape or form, stand someone who is clingy.

And to me clingy is randomly showing up all the time at my house.( I hate unexpected visitors) Making me feel bad when you I want to go places with them......calling all the time, wanting me to just jump and go somewhere, without any time to get ready...lol.

My Ideal situation is someone that calls a day before they want to come over...so I can have time to clean, and expect them to come. If they want to go somewhere, I need at least a day to sit and just think about what's gonna happen. Don't get me wrong, I like spontaneity , I just prefer... planned spontaneity. Lol. I am just a person that needs a little time to think about something, before I do it. I feel like if I dont get time to think about it, then I'm not prepared...

And, yes, I totally see how psycho I sound; So instead of expecting anyone to get me, and deal with all my weirdness, I just don't go there at all.....because I doubt that anyone could ever 'get it',or atleast deal with it without acting like it was a big deal, and like I needed to go to a mental institution...

I mean I'm not denying the fact  it'd be awesome to have someone/a few people that over looked it and could just compromise to my needs, lol. But I feel like it would be selfish of me to expect that of anyone, so I just ignore it all together, if that makes any sense at all.

I guess my main point of all of this was...

I need to learn how to love myself. Because...maybe I don't allow anyone to be a real friend to me because, I don't think I deserve one. Maybe I don't allow myself to step out and take chances, because I believe I will disappoint everyone anyways. And maybe I always worry about what my family thinks more than what I think, because I value their thoughts more than my own...

I never realized how down I am on myself. I would never treat anyone the way that I treat myself. And now that I’ve realized that, maybe it will begin to change.

Hopefully this blog will make atleast one person think about how they treat themselves/talk about themselves, and inspire them to do better...

PS. I realize this blog shows me in an unflattering light, but I feel as though it's time to stop uncovering the "Safe" flaws that everyone else talks about. I want to start being braver and uncovering the things that makes everyone uncomfortable, even myself. Because that's where people need the most help; with the places no one is brave enough to touch on.

- kayla kabree