To whom it may concern,

I have always considered my self a pretty brave person. Well, relatively brave, at least. But one thing I've never had enough courage to do was tell someone I've known since child hood, how I really feel...Even till this day, I'm unable to do it directly. So here's me doing it indirectly. Because, as you all know, I am the queen of indirective-ness.

One of my very first memories of you dates all the way back to our 1^st grade year of Elementary school; We were having an Easter party and all the parents had brought their child an Easter basket filled with candy of all sorts, and random odds and ends to rummage through like a modern day treasure chest.

However, your basket stood out amongst all of our little rinky-dink baskets because your Mom had attached maybe seven huge balloons shaped like various cartoon characters; such as Tommy from Rugrats, to the handle of your basket.

I can still remember how your Mom, with her humble spirit in toe,along with her strawberry blonde hair, was almost embarrassed at her extravagant choice. She was explaining to my Mom how she just loved you so much that she tended to go over board in hopes of making you feel special. I even remember making up my mind that day that if I was ever a Mommy, that that was how I was going to be.

Another memory I have of you is yet again, in grade school. Except this time, it dates back to the 3^rd grade.

I remember my great grandmother had just passed away and I had been so busy going to the wake services. I was very unprepared for school and didn't even have a pencil. You were getting ready to leave for SFA along with the rest of our class, and I had been begging people to give me a pencil, but everyone just kept walking by like they didn't hear me. You were getting ready to do just that, but I remember a sense of pity washed over you and you then stopped, opened up your plastic, navy blue clip board and handed me a wooded pencil that had never been sharpened. I remember saying “Thanks.” really relieved. You said “You're welcome. I didn't want you to get in trouble.” You flashed that smile of yours, and then headed about your business.

Thinking back, it's really amazing how clueless we were about life and what it had in store for us. I never once looked at you and thought:

• This will be one of the people I sit with in almost every class during high school.
• This will be the one I have lunch with almost every day.
• This will be the one I confide in and share all my secrets with.
• This will be the one I develop an unyielding love for.
• This will be one of the few I would protect and defend from anyone or anything.
• This will be the one that will taint my prayers, as well as linger in the back of my mind for the rest of my life.

Before I dig in, I have to make it clear. I don't want a relationship because relationships scare me; I'm too scared to enter into something I'm not sure I want in the first place, especially with someone I care about as much as I do you. Simply because I don't ever, and I mean EVER want to hurt or mislead you.

I guess one of the main reasons I'm writing this is,I just real- 
Okay, I'ma cut the bullcrap. I just really, freakin' love you.

I didn't realize how much I cared until the other night in that stupid religion debate, you told me to stop typing so much and to chill out. That's not necessarily mean, per se`. But the second I read it I started to cry. I didn't know why? I didn't know where these tears were coming from? But they we're coming and I couldn't stop them. After a lot of thought I realized I was crying because, you're the one person I've always felt safe to confide in. No matter how dramatic or radical I may be about certain things, I felt like I was free to be that way with you. You're the one person I always thought I could type/talk as much as I wanted to and it would be welcomed with open arms and even, dare I say, appreciated? And so, to think of you feeling anything other than that, made me sad and made me feel, belittled and non-special to you, as corny as that may sound.

I need you to know that I'm truly sorry for being pushy if I've ever been. It's never been out of a place of needing to feel right though, I swear. It was just out of a concern for you.  

I should just stop and realize you're going to believe what you believe and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Just like there's nothing anyone could do to stop me, I should respect you and just stop force feeding you my belief; It's wrong, and I truly apologize. I should just ignore you when you go on rants like that but it's hard for me to when I care way more than I should.

I also know when I'm nice during our debates it just makes you be even more colder towards me because of your unwillingness to give in and to show that what I do or say has any affect upon you. Or...well, maybe that's what I'm hoping it is? Maybe you really do feel cold towards me now, I don't know? Either way though, that's what I choose to believe because it hurts too bad to think other wise.

Want to know something lame? I almost called you tonight and poured out my heart. Until I found your public declaration of loving someone else, I figured I'd keep my mouth shut and just write this even lamer blog for everyone in the free world to read and make fun of...

    You out of all people know that I know myself through and through, but one thing I don't understand is these feelings I have for you. Like for instance, I get pretty jealous when other girls are in the picture. I don't hate them, or wish bad on them, I just always feel like nobody you choose fits what you deserve or even WANT, for that matter.

As I've mentioned many times before, I'm too scared to enter into a relationship with anyone let alone someone that scares me as much as you do, but I find myself realizing that you're probably the only person I could hand over my heart to and be totally okay with us going onto separate paths in life; with no commit in a relationship, but with only a commit to keep each other in a special place in our hearts. To put it more simpler, I want to be special to you. =/ And typing that very sentence felt like pulling teeth but I felt as though I needed to.

I think you are undoubtedly the most mesmerizing person I have ever encountered in my life. I'll be the first to admit that maybe I DO have a altered perception of you, but if it is altered or misconceived in any way, I don't want it to ever be corrected because it feels so good to so much as think of you, let alone have a conversation with you.

We are so different yet so alike and I have no idea what the two of us are doing in this town, lol.(Not that we're better than anyone, we're just so out of place it's not even funny.)

I have no idea what life has in store for me, so I definitely don't know what it holds for you, but I swear to God I wish you nothing but all the happiness the world has to offer. I want you to have a love story that you've always wanted, and eventually make pretty red-haired babies and I want you to just continue to grow and turn into the absolutely marvelous, genius, man you were destined to be.

You mean the absolute world to me and I have no idea why. You are a blessing to know and I'm so proud of what you're going to do with your life. No matter what you believe, no matter how many stupid disagreements we've ever had, please know that I do really love you; so much that just typing this brings tears to my eyes.

All I ask is just please always remember me. Please always think good things of me. Even when you're married and have a family of your own, please keep a little tiny box buried somewhere in your heart, that holds an assortment of all of our memories, conversations, and various secrets. Maybe that's a lot to ask, but I'm asking it anyways because I know that no matter where I go in this great big world, no matter who I affect, fall in love with or what I end up experiencing, there's always going to be the 9^th grade version of me somewhere inside my mind, anxiously waiting to go to school the next day so I can tell you what happened, how it made me feel and what I learned from it.

Stay Golden :)

-Kayla Kabree