Realizing My Denial.

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         I obviously can't speak for everyone else in this world. But as far as me, myself and I go, we have some confessing to do.
I have always been the type that preached "Girl power" relentlessly to just about every female that has came to me for advice; Which is about half of my county’s population if you want to know the exaggerated truth.
I can still hear my self rambling on frantically: "Don't depend on no man to give you what you want! So what if you're lonely?? BE lonely. Spend some time with yourself! If you aren’t able to enjoy spending time with yourself, how is anyone else going to like it?"
Even now as I type those words, I feel my heart attempting to sneak past my subconscious and slide up a guard; Hoping that I wont see what it has done; Hoping that I will continue to go about my little day, still believing that I'm okay with being lonely; Hoping that if I preach to other people about ignoring their hurt, their fear, and their need for love and comfort, that eventually I'll be able to run my own needs and fears off as well.
But please, don't get me twisted. I'm not saying that what I told those girls is wrong; I still firmly believe that you shouldn't depend on anyone to give you what you want. Nor should you ever let loneliness give you an excuse to retrieve and keep from living life to the best of your ability.
However, what one of my many points is...I was in denial way past my head. Pure, steamy, thick denial. It almost reminds me of this self proclaimed atheist that I know and am good friends with. He's constantly going on about how God's not real. He's always trying super hard to convince everyone around him of that as well.
Finally one day I asked him "If you so strongly believe that God is not real, why do you even bother lecturing everyone about it for? " He asked me to explain and I said, "I look at it like this. If there was a fake plant in the room, I wouldn't give it the time of day. I wouldn't sit here and go on & on about how that plant was FAKE any if whoever so much as considered it 'pretty', was an idiot. I would just merely ignore it. It's fake; if other people want to admire it, let them. Why should I have to try so hard to convince them that it's fake? What kind of reward would I get for persuading them such?"
My point is, when he was trying to convince other people of his belief, it felt to me as though he was trying more so to convince himself than he was them. It was like if anyone had a hint of interest in what he was saying, or if anyone seemed like they 'bit the bait', in the littlest way, it gave him more confidence that what he was saying was true.
That's how I was concerning the whole relationship deal. I would constantly try to persuade my friends that they were okay with being lonely. I would recommend that they should just go on about life, focus on their school, their careers, and futures, and if somebody worthy came along...they should "try to work them in their schedule". And while there's nothing wrong with that mind set, there is something wrong with my underlying message and the attitude that I had; I wanted them to hide what they were really feeling. Because that's what I was doing; It was how I was raised. "You ignore how you feel, you go after logic and you do what's right."( And again, there's nothing wrong with that mindset, either. But only when it's applied correctly. However, when applied radically, It's very wrong.) Any time one of my girlfriends so much as perked up as though they believed what I was saying, or was at least going to TRY to apply it to their life, I felt a bit of "Aha! So you agree? Well then, I must be right." Just like my "atheist" friend would do, and still does.

It actually wasn't until here recently that I realized my denial disorder. Believe it or not, it took me being rejected by my dog to realize I was lying to myself and to others about this whole "Independent Woman" front I was so convincingly putting up.
I was laying in the bed at 3:00 am, crying my eyes out in the pitch dark. I wasn’t for sure what it was I was crying over, but I was well aware of the gaping hole in the middle of my chest, and the emptiness off it was so obvious it ached.
I heard my dogs little foot steps trotting through the house, and coming towards my bedroom. It was like my heart perked up a tiny bit, with hope that she would jump up on my bed and wallow with me in my pool of self pitty. "Chloe, come here!" I called her with a nazel ' I've-been-crying-too-hard" type of voice. I heard her walk to my door way and then stop. "Come here!" I encouraged her. "God please come here, I really need to hold something,I really need to give something some kind of attention." I desperately thought to myself. But, to my surprise I then heard her turn around, and trot back through the house; her toenails clicking on the hardwood floor with every step.
For whatever reason, this sent me into an even bigger emotional outburst. I rolled over and pushed my face into my pillow and sobbed. "I just want someone to talk to...i just want someone to hold me. Not even my dog wants me." I couldn’t believe my ears. Was this the most lame I had ever been in my life? I wasn’t for sure. But regardless if it was lame, or nerdy or whatever I wanted to label it, it was honestly how I really felt. No guards, no fronts. Just the beautiful, raw truth looking me dead in the face with its peircingly scary eyes.
When I realized that very fact, I all of the sudden had flash backs of me trying to pretend I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin to my girlfriends who were looking to me for advice. I remember how they were pouring out their hearts about wanting somebody and how they didn’t feel complete unless they were in a relationship. I also recalled how I looked at them like they were pathetic. I would automatically put up my detached "I need absolutely no one" face and then would try desperately to rub that attitude off on them "for their own good and safety." I would tell myself.
I would walk way from that chat thinking " WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE GIRLS? How can anyone be so vulnerable? How can anyone admit that they actually don’t feel like a complete individual unless their in a relationship? Isn't just by admitting that, degrading?"
I laid there in my bed contemplating on this as hard as anyone could ever contemplate. I was eventually humbled by the realization that I was more lonely that all of those girls combined. I felt the exact same way that they did. But because I was taught to believe that they way they were talking was degrading, I had pushed it down so far in the depths of my being that its voice was nothing but a faint whisper. I had full heartedly convinced myself that these girls were dragging the reputation of "Women" in general through the mud. And I would go to any extreme to show them that; hoping to see the light go off in their eyes; giving me even more the reason to believe that I was indeed, correct.
Till this very moment, I still don’t exactly know why the thought of admitting "I want love" ashamed me. I guess because deep down, I was scared that if I put myself out there and let everyone see my desire for it, and yet still managed to get shot down.. then I would the be viewed as the poor desperate doormat that has no one to so much as give her a chance. Therefore, I went on the other end of the radical and just pretended that I was fine being alone and if someone was "blessed" enough to get my attention and work for my heart, then they might get a chance. "If they're lucky."
When in reality, that's not how i am at all. That's just how I preferred to to be viewed over a needy little puppy dog that fell for "Aye baby, whats yo sign?"I wanted to be viewed as secure...Strong... Independent and in control.
For whatever reason I only thought you could be on one end of the spectrum or the other. I'm just now realizing that balance is one of the major keys to life.
Okay,so nowww. Let's have a quick reveiw, shall we?
-Those who 'root' abnormally hard for "Team single" are usually in need of love more than anyone else.
-Just because you admit you would like to have love in your life doesn't mean you're a needy doormat.
-And Just because you can pretend to be strong in front of people, doesn't mean you actually are.
-It's best to let the truth be free. Even if its hard to speak, do what I'm doing and type it.
-Don't be trapped by denial. Don't be boxed in by what you THINK you have to be.
-Don't be radically RULED by your emotions but also don't be so up tight you can't even spell the word fun. I hope this inspires self discovery in everyone that reads this. Remember to never run from the truth; When you find peices of your truth along the way, grab it, examine it, and learn all you can from it because at the end of the day, your truth is all you'll be left with.
Someone can strip away your clothes, your material belongings, and everything else that you've put some sort of faith in along the way, and all you'll be standing there with is your truth.
 Therefore, not only should you constantly be searching for it in some way or another, but you should welcome it instead of crindging while looking for it.Yes, even if its not the prettiest of truth's...
Because, In my oppinion, you should be more scared of hiding from the unpleasant things about you than you should fear facing them. Atleast with facing them, you're one step closer to perfecting it. As opposed to hiding from it, you're just allowing the root of it to grow bigger and stronger by the moment.


From the Bottom of my heart,
Kayla Kabree