Please, don't die a copy.

　

     I was reading about Aquarius females a few days ago, and it was discussing how we're the 'oddest' of all zodiac signs. When i read that line, my heart smiled beamingly, along with my face, and i even felt my posture perk up like a proud, cocky rooster. Then i immediately busted out in a short giggle after reading the the next line which said something to the affect of : "And just like Capricorns are proud of their stubbornness, and Pisces, their charm, Aquarians could not be more prouder of the eccentricity they posses." I couldn’t help but to be amused at how my response to the first line did nothing but reflect how true this really is.
    After contemplating this like a true contemplater would, it made me rewind back to two weeks ago when I had found out someone i had (at the time) considered a close friend, went behind my back and talked about 'weird' i was. And not weird in a complimentary way. Weird as in, idiot, nerd, freak show of a girl.
     I remember how i dissected my feelings about this therally. I scanned my conscious, my subconscious, heart, mind and even my soul to the absolute best of my ability. It didn’t take me that long to realize that i wasn’t hurt at what he had called me; (What did however, hurt me is.. that he felt the need to pretend to be my friend, all to go behind my back and put me down as if i was nothing. What I’m saying is, i don’t like the fact that he was fake with me. The way i see it is, If you don’t like someone, simply don’t bother with talking to them. Buuut, apparently being a two faced, bath salt snorter is way less worse in his eyes, than to be quote, unquote 'weird'.)
    But, anyyyways... Me, being gifted with more Nancy Drew traits than Nancy Drew herself, i couldn’t help but to question my own self. Why didn’t it bother me that he called me weird? Why didn’t that word bother me? Why didn’t it embarrass me, and why didn’t it make me want to examine who i am as a person and maybe even consider changing some of my...erm..weirdness?
     I finally came up with the conclusion that, to myself, the word 'Weird' means Different. Unusual, and, someone that marches to the beat of a different drummer.
And I'm pretty sure that’s what it means to everyone else as well. But I’m also pretty sure that most people would snarl their nose and have a hint of disgusted in their voice while reading that definition. As opposed to myself...I read it and it sounds as if my voice is skipping through a field of daisy's and on its way to heaven. Lol.
     I know It's probably hard to believe but, I'm being totally honest when i say that I take the word 'weird' as a total and complete compliment. Because that means I'm an individual, and don’t have to mold myself to the trends, mindsets and ways of the world. I allow myself to freely be who i really am.
     I will be the first to admit that I have a lot of quirks, and I'd also be the first to start freely pointing them out,and perhaps even laugh at them with you! Not only would i do that but, I would 100% agree with anybody who says I have a very unusual way of looking at both people and things.... and an even more unusual way of going about life itself. Because all of that could not be more true.
     And... So what?! Lol. That makes me bad? You choose to look over the fact of how kind, generous and caring someone is, and judge them simply b/c they are different than you? Um, can you say, small minded?
       I really believe when you call someone weird and are meaning it in a negative way, you are saying "You should be more like me. My flaws, my mistakes, my personality and preference quirks are way more "Normal" to have than yours. Therefore, you're a really big idiot for being the way that you are. Quite frankly: I am better than you and i have every right to put you down because I after all, I am above you."
   Let's all take a moment and ask ourselves, What kind of person would say that other than someone that's just about as immature as they could ever possibly be, not to mention,heartless?
      Shew, but...wait a minute...As i type this. I'm beginning to realize something. Yes, people that make fun of others for being different happen to be very immature. But maybe calling them a "heartless person" is too...cruel of a term? But, perhaps "a very scared person" is a better one? What i mean is: It takes someone who is really brave, and almost even fearless to be their authentic selves and refuse to change regardless of who rejects them, or even laughs at them. It's in a way saying "I dont want to be alone, but, i'd rather you reject me for who i really am,rather than love me for who I am not. Even if I'm never accepted, I’m never going to be anything other than my real self. Take it or leave it."
       If you consider how afraid we all are of lonely, saying something like that takes alot. (I myself say that all the time. Maybe not aloud, but in my heart, its a mantra.)
Thereforeeee, If an authentic person is brave for being authentic. Wouldn’t it make someone that changes who they are based on what others think, a very fearful person? Because isn’t allowing fear to paralyze you (or to cause you to change choices or paths), the opposite of being brave?
       You could be saying: "Waiiiit a minute. Just because someone makes fun of someone for being different... why does that have to mean they're faking who they are?"
          I would then ask you, HOW could a person that was comfortable with sharing their own thoughts, feelings, and even dressing the way THEY like or anything else that expresses individuality, be so small minded to want to judge someone else for being just as self expressive as they are being themselves?
     A person that’s free and willingly to follow their heart regardless of what anyone else says, is 99% most likely going to be accepting of anyone elses differences and probably even appreciate them for it...Are you following me?


Soooo, in my opinion :-)... It takes a very scared and socially self conscious person to be willing to make fun of someone else for being different.
Because, like i stated above, if you're all about being yourself and expressing it as freely as you'd like, you would be just as supportive for the next person who was doing the exact same thing.Right? 
    Therefore, all of that leads me to believe when you aren't supportive of other's differences, it means you aren't supportive of your own as well. And you are most likely hiding them and doing what everyone else does. And accepting what everyone else accepts. And thinking what everyone else thinks...and listening to.... and wearing..You are a follower.No need to debate it.:-)
      Even  if you are what you would consider the leader in this group of followers...Haven't you ever watched the type of movies where there's a gang, and the leader seems in charge of it all,but alone he's really the most haunted, tortured soul of them all? Not to mention everyone else in the group talks about him behind his back. So if this fits your persona, per se`. Or rings any type of bell for you... perhaps you would consider choosing another route, eh? Or atleast stop lieing to yourself. Atleast veiw it for what is and not be in such hardcore denial like the person that made fun of me happens to be in.


To anyone that's been called weird and has gotten hurt by it. Let me just start off by saying, I'm sorry for the hurt. But I’m so unexplainably proud of you for being brave enough to be yoruself. It's so hard to find an original person out there these days, so consider yourself in a very sacred club. Dust yourself off. And continue to be who you are. Never let anyone make you feel intimidated and as if they are better than you. Because we are ALL the same in God's eyes. And he is the only judge worth answering to. My prayer for you is that you continue you to be brave, and be your unbridled self. Because they're is nothing more beautiful than a real, genuine person. I promise.

To anyone that has been the 'bully', for lack of a better term. I'm not gonna say shame on you, though i want to. I am however going to say, loosen up. I know we all want acceptance, we all want to have a little niche we fit in. But putting others down for being their selves, when that's the very thing you're SCARED of doing, makes no sense. If you want to hide who you are, and choose to be a follower, then by all means, you have the right to choose that. But to go out of your way to make fun of someone for doing the very thing YOU should be doing, is just flat out ignorant to be frank about it. My prayer for you is: If you don’t become brave enough to be who God made you to be, at least leave the ones that are fearless enough to do so, alone. Because, words really do hurt and not one person is this world better than someone else. Therefore nobody has the right to put another person down based on their differences. Don't pretend like you don't know the saying.."If we were all the same, life would be so boring." As cliche` and as worn out as that qoute may be, it really is so purely true. I also pray you some day you find yourself. And by praying that, I'm praying for you to be as liberated as one could ever be.


Now that i got that out of my system, I feel like i need to make it clear that I'm not saying AIM to be different. I am, however saying to aim to be YOURSELF and if the real you differs from the rest of the people around you, so what? Be yourself, and do so proudly. God made us so intricately and with such time and devotion. Don't hide his masterpiece because of all the small minded people that are doing that very thing their selves and are missing out on a full life while they're at it. 


Please, take it from me, when you are who you are with no apologizes you are not only accepted, but marveled at.

With all my love, Kayla Kabree
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　

What are we running from?

     Being alone is something that everyone has always seemed to run from. It's almost as if people consider it a curse, perhaps even a state of torture. And one of the last things on Earth they would ever want to be.

Think back to the black and white films/sitcoms, The perfect woman was the woman who had a husband she was more than obedient to. She managed to have flawless porcelain skin with the Betty Flintstone hair do. And you cant forget the June Cleaver styled dresses topped with an apron, of course because she had spent the entire day cooking a meal for her family... That was what they painted the ideal woman to be; The woman we should all aspire to become, and look up to in admiration.

      However, if I'm recalling correctly, and I do believe that I am, occasionally, in these films/sitcoms, there would be a woman portrayed as the cursed “odd ball”, all because she was in her late twenties and had no husband. She was 'lonely', and that was unspeakably bad. Being like her was something looked down upon, and even something well enough worthy to be pitied... I cant help but to wonder...Why is that?

      Obviously that ideal of the perfect woman has been thrown out, stomped on, and burned alive, long ago. But, why is it that even today in movies, the person who is alone is portrayed to be miserable, hopeless and in desperate need for a man to come sweep her off her feet? Or, if that's not the case, they portray the single woman to be so barried in her work that she doesn't even know how to spell the word “man”, and is too stubborn or scared to see love if it were to look her straight in the eyes and hand her a cup of coffee.

        Are there any NORMAL, happy, single people out there? Is there such thing as enjoying you're life in the present, and trusting that the right one will come alone at the right time? And I'm honestly not trying to be sarcastic, and trying to act as if I'm on some high horse, and like I'm all self assured or whatever. Because, I'm not. I'm just curious. Is having a partner part of everyone's destiny? Can we not be complete with just ourselves?

I myself, have noticed that every girl that I talk to, HAS to have a boyfriend at all times. It's just unfathomable for them to even consider being without one for a while. They set no standards, have no real preferences, and put up with total and complete idiotic, immature behavior, all so they can say they're in a relationship. It's as though they would rather be miserable with someone, than to be alone by themselves. To me it's like they're saying going through hell with some man, is better than being single. I can't help but to believe that there has to be some type of meaning behind this.. are any of you with me ?

      Every single girl I talk to, myself included, sits and dreams of what “the one” will be like. We talk about it with other girls, daydream about it some nights before we fall asleep, randomly ponder it while doing some odd job around the house...Will he be tall? How big will his hands be? ..how will we meet? What will our babies look like? And oh my God..OUR WEDDING....ugh. It's never ending. Am I right ladies, or am I right?

One of my many, many questions is, does it not seem like we have already have our minds set that we can't have full happiness until we follow the yellow brick road to meet some man, and live happily ever after?

That's not to say we're depressed now, or even sad. But it is to say that maybe, just maybe, we're not in any way living to our fullest potential, and not being nearly as 'present' as we should be forcing ourselves to be, because there's a part of us “depending on the future”, sort of speak.

          Are you following me? If not, here's an example. When I was a Freshman in high school, I never took a moment to really sit there and absorb how happy I really was. I never took a moment to think “I'm living in the best time of my life right now” Because to be totally honest, I didn't realize that, not even in the slightest way. During that time It was like I was facing life with a hesitated smile, because in my heart I was thinking “Yea, life's okay now, but I know its going to be so much better when I'm older. Then, I will really get to live, Then, I will really have the time of my life.” It was like I didn't even appreciate my present because I thought my future was promised to me, when in reality, nobody has a promised future. I found this out when my sophomore year rolled around, a month after I won homecoming, I fell and I broke my spine, neck and ribs. So, I finished out my high school years on home bound, recovering from that injury.

             Yes I can walk normal now, thank God. And yes I really believe one day I will be pain free. But my point is, so many of us think the way that I did. We think “Yeah, living life single is alright, but I'm not really intending on soaking up everything life has to offer me right now because I know that one day, I'll have a man by my side and I can then get to experience it all with him.”

    Quick tip:Please don't ever think that way. Make your self stop if you do. Take it from me, I out of all people know, nothing is ever promised. That's not me saying you wont find a man in the future, that's just me saying, take advantage of what you got now. Take life and run with it. Do everything there is to do. Don't ever hold yourself back in the present with the thought that you'll just do it in the future, because, like I said. The future is promised to absolutely no one.

    Anyways, back on topic...My main question that I have taken so long to get to is, why do we try so hard to run from being alone?

I've read somewhere that, being alone is the presence of ones self. Therefore, are we all running from being with ourselves, because we're afraid to face who we really are?

       I think we're running from being with ourselves, and running TO other people, so we can then focus on them, their likings, their flaws, and everything about THEM; which gives us less time to have to remind ourselves of our own... Not only that, but it's also like we subconsciously believe that because someone is with us, we must not need to do any inward looking, or work on ourselves at all because, after all "I must be okay if someone can stand to put up with me." Do you see where I'm going?

        After thinking about this blog, and actually typing it all out, I'm coming to the conclusion that we all take ourselves for granted. We don't appreciate ourselves at all. We don't even consider ourselves worthy of spending time with or even getting to know. Yes, we want other people to think we're worthy of all that, and we would even get offended if they said they didn’t.. But, yet us as individuals, still do not want anything to do with ourselves.

Why? I really think its because we are scared to do death to face our own demons. We are scared to death to realize our imperfections, and what we need to work on in order to be a better person in general.

I always thought that line "You have to love yourself in order for someone else to be able to love you" was really cheesy and untrue. But now, I'm beginning to wonder if its the truth if anything ever was.

Because, why SHOULD anyone love you, if you don’t love yourself? How could they, even?

        My wish for everyone is to stop accepting the fact that you are accepting less as though its okay and normal to do so. It may be common, but they are plenty of trends out there that are far from right. My hope for everyone, myself included is, for us to start working on the relationship we have with ourselve. Be our own best friend. Have our own back. Set our standards high, and realize its okay to have preferences. We don't just have to accept some dead beat guy that refuses to get a job, cheats and lies, and still lives with his parents at the age of 29, all because we're lonely and would like affection.

          Love and respect your own self, first. Keep at it. Learn to actually LIKE yourself. Take time out for yourself to have some kind of “me” time. Weather it's just lighting some candles, taking a bubble bath, and sitting there and reflecting upon nobody but you. Admire your good traits, and look at your flaws as a work in progress.

You are beautiful. You are unique, and you are brilliant. Tell yourself that, each and every single day. Even if you don't believe it at first. Speak it out loud everyday. Eventually, you will start to believe.

Ps. Please don't think I'm suggesting to be selfish, or to be in denial about wanting a partner. I'm just saying, don't run from yourself. Don't consider being alone as a curse. Consider it to be time to get to know yourself better, so you will have more to  offer to not only  the world, but to your soul mate when its time for her/him to come around. Only complete halves can make a whole. Therefore, I think we should spend our time making sure we are complete as individuals. Then set out to find another individual who is just as complete as we are. :)

• Does anyone have any other ideas on why we run from being alone?
• Has loneliness taught any of you anything?
• Do you agree or beg to differ with me? Why or why not
• Be sure and let me know! :)

Happy New Years Eve!

-Kayla Kabree

The beginning.

     All of my life, regardless of how many people were around, I always felt so incredibly alone. No matter how many conversations I had, nobody could manage to satisfy my heart. In all actuality, I was left feeling restless and even more "thirsty" than before the conversation, due to the fact that I had put so much energy into trying to "milk" interesting conversation out of whoever it was I was talking to.

     No matter how many times these people had “Shallow” written across their forehead, I would still desperately cling on to some kind of hope that they would suddenly be bitten by an intellectual bug, and fulfill my quenching need for some sort of mental stimulation. But time and time again, I was let down.

    After thinking long and hard about this, my conclusion was either, all the people that I know are total idiots, or, I am a serious prude that was looking for too much. And as much as I wanted to say the first option was the answer, my gut was leaning towards the fact that I was indeed expecting too much from them; I came out of the womb questioning everything there was to question, and no answer was ever good enough for me; I still wanted to know more, and why that was, and why THAT was what it was, lol. It was never ending. And today, it's safe to say, I am the same exact way..perhaps even worse! Lol. I want to get to the core of every topic under the sun, and find out every single persons story and truth. I simply can not help it; nor run from it. It is who I am in a nutshell and I know for a fact I wouldn't change it if I could.

     I have came to terms with the fact that the people that live around me are just not on the same wave length that I am.(whatever that may mean) However,I refuse to believe that I am the only person in this world that is on a quest for knowledge. There have to be people out there that thinks at least slightly similar to the way that I do. There have to be people out there that wants to know more about life, and love, just as bad as they yearn for self discovery. There just HAVE to be!

    Therefore, I'm starting this blog, in hopes of not only finding those types of people, but I hope to be bringing clarity to them as well. I'm talking about the ones that find it impossible to have a short reply to anything. The ones that yearn for DETAILED ANSWERS, and to the ones that live for that moment of blissful enlightenment and discovery.

     I hope to intrigue you, inspire you, make you think, and leave you feeling refreshed. I want my blog to be dedicated to all the philosophical loners, the thinkers, or just the intellectual minded. I want it to be a place for you to come, learn, and share with me as well. I don't think anyone will ever know how much I appreciate their time, and especially their words. So know that I am so thankful that you're so much as taking the time out to read this, and will be even more thankful if you commented and shared with me your perception on whatever the topic may be.

           God Bless, Kayla Kabree